G and L went back to daycare this week, after a three-month hiatus. G is in the class for the older little ones, while L is in with the babies. Because fewer children are enrolled now than usual, there have been some shifts in the staffing, and G is being taught once again by the same teacher, Ms. S, who welcomed him into the baby classroom when he first joined the daycare nine months ago, when he was just barely two.

This week, Ms. S let us know that she was having some issues with G’s communication skills, and with maintaining his attention on the task at hand. On Friday, at pick-up, she suggested that we should work with him over the weekend, to make sure that whatever he picked up during the week didn’t slide out of his head by Monday. She also told us that she was working with him on his “social skills”: “He’s a bit of a loner, you know,” she told us.

J has taken some umbrage at this whole set of feedback, partly because the daycare seems to employ a rote method of learning which reminds J a little two much of her educational experiences in communist and transitional Albania, where teachers placed a heavy emphasis on memorization and public humiliation. I think J feels that G’s disinterest in this mode of learning is to be expected and commended. Also, in her capacity as G’s mom, she bridles at any criticism of her son, however mild and well-meaning.

I have been a little better about it, though I too would much prefer to hear that my son is excelling at every facet of his developmental experience. I have been thinking a little about the feedback we’ve received from Ms. S, both regarding G’s attention span and his interest in socializing, and how it fits into our more general approach to raising G and L.

J and I have been pretty well-aligned on how much direction our little ones require from us. I think we both feel that it is important for us to ward them off negative behaviors, and to teach them to be good people, but when it comes to positive enrichment we’re pretty laid back. So G spends a lot of time devising and playing his own games. A lot of our conversation is occupied by him telling us fantastical and convoluted stories. We do read a lot with him, but a lot of this is driven by his insatiable appetite for books, especially when it’s time to go bed at night (though J has acquired a quite sizable number of books for his library). If he’s happily doing something, we don’t usually tell him to do something else, or intervene much to manage how he’s doing what he’s doing. We want him to be able to follow his own interests and to figure out ways to entertain and challenge himself.

Notwithstanding this philosophy, I still feel pretty happy that Ms. S is taking the time to encourage G to pay attention to his lessons, no matter how rote they might be. I bridle a little more at the concerted effort to develop his “social skills”; as an introvert, I have spent my whole life-time surrounded by constant messaging to the effect that there is something wrong with those who prefer to be alone, and I’ve only realized in recent years how much this has handicapped my search for fulfilling and enjoyable work and ways of living more generally. G has always been quite outgoing with adults, prompting J and her parents to often laud his extroversion — something which rankled in me, a bit, since I thought G would be just fine whether he was an extrovert or an introvert. Nonetheless, I’m willing, to a certain extent, to accept that G should learn “social skills” too.

Does this just mean that I’m ideologically flexible, and willing to defer to whatever direction in which teachers want to mold my young son? Not exactly, I don’t think. Here’s how I would explain it to G and L:

In life, we have certain basic preferences and inclinations, which govern the settings and activities which feel most right for us. I think it is very important that we make an earnest effort to uncover these inclinations and to honor them to the extent possible as we go about building lives for ourselves. We also pick up skills as we go through life: specific skills, like making a souffle or buying a used car, and building-block skills, like paying attention and following directions and being able to make others like you. I think it’s probably best to try to pick up as many skills as possible, since being proficient in many skills will only make it easier to honor your personal inclinations.

However — and this is important — under no circumstances should you confuse developing a skill with changing your inclinations. As an introvert, I think I did this in late adolescence, when I was just learning how to navigate social situations and in particular how to seem appealing to others. I assumed that because I had learned to more skillfully be around others, this meant I had dealt with the baseline discomfort that being around others generates in me. This was not true. Even though I am a more socially skillful introvert, I am still an introvert, and I am happiest when I am alone or when I am working on something autonomously. I wish I had been more accepting of this fundamental inclination when I was younger, and had tried harder to devise a life that would be supportive of my strong preference for solitude.

Finally, I think we each have personal qualities, which are quite stable but can perhaps be adjusted through great effort. We are patient or impatient, tolerant or intolerant, gentle or aggressive, kind or unpleasant. I think it’s worthwhile, always, to aspire to develop more positive personal qualities, which make it easier to navigate life at the same time as it makes it easier for others to be around us. I don’t know if one should make big life decisions in the hopes that they prompt fundamental changes in personal qualities, though.

So my advice to G and L would be to honor their preferences and inclinations to the greatest extent possible, while at the same time trying to develop as many skills as possible, and generally aspiring to develop more positive personal qualities in themselves. The skills would include paying attention to boring tasks and taking direction from others, as well as learning how to play with others even when you’d rather play by yourself. But the importance of staying true to your own inclinations is very great. We often think we can change who we are, and this is true to an extent, but I don’t think any of us should feel like we need to change what makes us excited or happy or in the zone. When we try to change this about ourselves we often set ourselves up for failure, at the same time as we deprive the world of the priceless unique gem that each of us represents. That’s no good for anyone.

Caffeine/Alcohol Update: 20 days without! It is beginning to feel more normal to abstain from these things, and I had a relatively productive work week last week, which I have for a long time assumed would be possible only with coffee. A big part, mentally, of my willingness to keep up with this experiment is the promise that this will allow me to be more fit in the end, to have more energy and in particular to run. But I am trying to see this as a year-long experiment, rather than getting too far up or down based on how I feel on a given day or after a given run. Hopefully, after a year I’ll be able to look back and say that I’ve made progress towards “feeling physically and mentally fantastic every day.”